How to do long distance [and find the joy in being apart]

Q: You are currently in a long distance relationship.  How do you make it work? And what made you decide to take the risk?  What are the pros and cons?

I’ve thought long and hard about the best way to answer this in a blog post.  The truth is, after only a few months I feel like I could already write a book about long-distance relationships (I’m sure James could write a few with me as his girlfriend).  While it often feels like there are more cons than pros to dating someone who lives far away, the more we consciously focus on the pros every morning, the easier it is to get through this season.  Because after all, every long-distance relationship is really just a stepping stone to better days when you can eventually be together in every aspect of the word.

Why take the risk?

For me, this may be the hardest part about moving into a relationship with anyone, especially someone who lives an entire country away.  Taking a risk means tapping into your deepest fears, and thus requires taking the time to address those fears and gain control of them. Relationships with guys are part of the greatest struggle of my past, and therefore deserved some serious attention to work through.  Packing up and moving to Florida two years ago meant taking time away from giving myself to others and instead giving all of me to God.  And in that time, God did some incredible work in me, work that is certainly not, nor do I hope will ever be, done. 

Just a couple of weeks before my season in Florida ended and a new one in California began, James and I could see God moving in a way neither of us had known before.  It wasn’t without plenty of prayer, advice from people who loved and cared for us both, and a lot of debate over both of us coming out of seasons of singleness, that we decided to see what we could make out of a long-distance relationship.  Our comfort came in knowing that God was holding both of our hearts.  The more we asked for Him to guide us in the road ahead, the more we fell into His unending grace and love.  No matter what happened in the months to come, we knew we would be okay.

And so far, we have been much more than just okay.

How do we make it work?

In some ways, being in a long-distance relationship requires more work than I ever imagined, and in other ways, God gives us blessings through it that we may not have otherwise experienced at this time in our lives.  When you take a step back and put it all into perspective, the good continues to outweigh the hard.  It seems daunting and there are many days when discouragement prevails, but when the person you are with brings joy and strength to your days, you find excitement in continuing to move forward.  James and I could not come from more different backgrounds, but our hope for the future is the same.  We share similar desires in how we want to serve God and others, where we feel led, and we know that our value lies in God, not in each other.

In a healthy long-distance relationship, you find yourself doing things that often couples in the same town don’t get to experience, and you thrive on those things.  Letters in the mail, small packages, scheduled Skype dates, morning emails, evening prayers over the phone, and dates in airports.  You learn to find joy in the things you get to do in this season, rather than lose heart over all the things that separate you.

Long-distance or not, James and I have found that prayer, accountability with others, and honest communication about things like boundaries and the future are huge assets to our relationship. And above all, we work to invite one another into our relationships with God so that He remains the center.  There is an insurmountable peace that washes over you when you know that God is guiding you, together with someone else.  It’s as if no road is impassable; no distance too far.

If you are struggling in a relationship, I hope that you can one day soon find and experience this peace.  Remember your value, continually turn to the One who knows you best, and take joy in this season knowing that a new one is on the horizon.  While relationships can be hard, frustrating, or just plain scary, we were meant for them.  We were made to be connected with other people.  Don’t ever give up on your ability to love or be loved.

[And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds]